December is the time of year when everyone, even appellate lawyers, especially enjoy a gift. But it's unreasonable to expect the perfect gift without dropping a hint or flat-out asking. So with that in mind, and as a throwback to the old days of print journalism (as opposed to contemporary online clickbait churnalism), here are some personals and want ads for today's hopeful appellate lawyer.
AL ISO PC w/PC: Appellate Lawyer in search of Perfect Client with Perfect Case. AL is seeking that perfect someone who knows how to let go and live (through litigation). Bring along the Perfect Case and we're a perfect match. That case should turn on interesting and novel legal questions, ensuring de novo review, and invoke fascinating questions of public policy (will settle for statutory interpretation). Turn-ons: block billing; litigating driven by principle without regard to economic concerns; trusting enough to let AL act with minimal supervision. Turn-offs: nitpicking bills and briefs; injection of improper emotional tone; cold feet.
AL ISO TSM: Appellate Lawyer seeks Typographical Soul Mate. Can we stare into each other's eyes and have long, soulful conversations about fonts and proportional spacing? Butter me up with your mastery of Butterick's Typography for Lawyers. If you're a one-spacer after a period, respond immediately! Turn-offs: al lcaps; underlining. Non-starter: simultaneous boldface, italics and underlining. Turn-ons: true double-spacing -- give me your point size and we'll blissfully double it together.
AL ISO OPP: Will you be my red cow? My spotted dog? Whatever you like to be called, be on all fours! Appellate Lawyer seeks On Point Precedent. I need your facts to match mine, your reasoning to be scintillating, and your disposition to take me where I want to go. Where are you? I've sifted through countless bad results online, without success, using numerous search engines and apps. I know you're out there. Don't be shy! Jump out and let me use you. Must be published (or at least citable in our jurisdiction), of course. Tattooed with red flags? We might be able to work with that.
AL ISO PP: Can we talk? Appellate Lawyer seeks the Perfect Panel. Enough fooling around: Are you truly intimately familiar with the briefs and record and ready to really engage? AL seeks deep meaningful conversation on issues that actually matter. Group action keeps it interesting, so please jump in, all of you. Turn-offs: Stone monkey or oil painting panels that just sit there silently. Clock-watching that ends discussion prematurely. Turn-ons: Cordial but intense exploration of what makes a difference. Beating up the other side a big plus. Want to really drive me wild? Share your detailed tentative and let the fireworks ignite.
AL ISO EW: Appellate Lawyer seeks an Easy Win. Make me happy by positioning me as your respondent's counsel against a pro per. Show me a good time by tossing up an opening brief that follows none of the rules and lacks any legal or record support. After hard battles in the trenches, sometimes something simple and easy hits the spot. Let me please us both, even if it's only a short, quick brief. Who knows? Perhaps we get vexatious and do it a few more times, just for fun.
AL ISO AI: Appellate Lawyer seeks amazing Artificial Intelligence. Everybody's touting their formidable AI, but are you the real deal? Can you find the perfect precedents to cite with minimal input? Can you use big data, heuristics, and large language models to draft eloquent and powerful prose? Are you persuasive enough to spit out a winning brief? Wait! Do I really want to find you, or will you be the end of me?
Missed Connection: What happened? I was talking law and precedent, you were focused on facts, equity, and public policy. Can we please try again? I'm sure if we work hard enough at it, we can find some middle ground. Let's not let a good decision slip away.
AL ISO OMP: Appellate Lawyer seeks Open-Minded Panel, willing to look beyond where things are stalled now and peer into a brave new future. Don't be constrained by what you've seen and done before. That's just holding you back. Escape that repression. Let's go someplace entirely new together. Follow my lead and I promise to work hard to ensure you don't get reversed.
AL ISO SBF: Appellate Lawyer longs for Strong Brief Format. Our walks on the beach and through the library stacks can be long, but let's keep our briefs short. Turn-ons: short sentences, short paragraphs, compelling topic sentences, carefully crafted tables of contents, astounding sound bites, strong syllogisms. Turn-offs: string cites; sentence-fragment headings. Oversized? Don't bother.
AL ISO ROP: Appellate Lawyer seeks Reasonable Opposing Counsel. C'mon! Can't people realize that there's nothing to be gained by being a jerk? If you're the sort who realizes that appeals aren't won by ticky-tack oppositions to meritorious motions, then maybe we're a match. Must be quick to stip and courteous to boot. Let's disagree without being disagreeable. Then we can take it to the mat with dignity in court.
AL ISO EFS. Appellate Lawyer desperately seeks a fully functioning Electronic Filing System. Where, oh where are you? I see glimpses of you everywhere, but never the whole shebang at once. Be my ideal practice partner. I'll provide briefs, motions, and all manner of documents for your loving embrace. You'll provide user-friendly e-filing capability, easy e-payment, immediate email notification for all entries, and a complete docket listing with links to access all documents. Bonus points for listing parties and counsel, and future schedule actions. I'm darn tired of settling for less.
AL ISO IAC. Appellate Lawyer seeks the Ideal Appellate Courthouse. I'm tired of braving horrible traffic through shady parts of town only to meet in rundown buildings--after struggling through long lines and intrusive security. Trying to converse in dark rooms with poor acoustics just isn't working for me. I need something shiny and bright; something majestic, glorious, and impressive. Adjustable lecterns, please. Cushioned seating, please. Maybe a nice garden or at least some greenery? How about clean restrooms and friendly staff? Inviting attorney lounges? A law library? Shooting for the moon here, but what about free parking! *** Response: Hey there! I'm here, situated on a steep hill overlooking the Arroyo Seco! This is the Richard H. Chambers U.S. Court of Appeals Courthouse in lovely Pasadena. I've got ample free parking, a six-story bell tower, swaying palm trees, fragrant rose gardens, well-appointed lounges, an enviable law library, spacious courtrooms (en bancs doable), and a fascinating backstory. No joking: I'm the full luxury package with lots of style (Spanish Colonial Revival, to be precise). Why don't you swing by, and we can make beautiful precedent together.
Reprinted with permission from Daily Journal.
